Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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