I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
