I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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