so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.