I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.