I got chris browned last night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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