I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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