Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
