my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
