this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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