I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
