Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize