thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
