So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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