I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
