Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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