I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
