worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
