so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
