Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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