pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
