someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
