JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
