I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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