when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
