Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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