Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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