My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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