I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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