cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
