Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
