I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
