I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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