You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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