I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
