So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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