my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
