are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
