my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
