I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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