I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
