so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
