I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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