i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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