my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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