I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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