Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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