I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
