dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
