We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your cock deserves a montage
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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