Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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