Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
