if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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