Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
