I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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