I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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