I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
