i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
